One hundred and twenty two archived thoughts


How am I ever gonna forget?

When flashbacks and memories remind me of how we used to be.

Since yesterday, I’ve been sitting around helplessly.

Thinking about all the times we had together.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not as sentimental as you think I am.

Only a few instances when heartaches inescapably unmasks itself.

Because of course, a heavy heart needs some draining.

I can’t help but replay those memories you left behind

How you used to show that you care.

I listened to you kindheartedly,

I bear your pain as if it is mine.

You said you will always gonna be by my side.

With that I was contented,

And kept your words as a guarantee.

Yet, you broke me. 


Contemplation no. 1

You take off from work and endure a 45-min ride inside an overcrowded bus going home.

You’re at the verge of getting pissed to the bus conductor who said there are still seats available — even if there’s none, without knowing how badly he wants to gather more passengers, so he can earn, go home, and be with his family.

You get pissed to the sluggish vehicular traffic on a rainy Friday night, without realizing how people inside those stuck up vehicles are also struggling and battling on the road, since they, too, badly wanna go home, get some rest, and call it a week.

You hate sitting beside a stinky, sweaty passenger who coughs the whole time — not minding how he still manages to work throughout the day, though he’s sick, to provide the needs of his loved ones.

On the adjacent aisle, you see a mother surfing the internet through her phone, taking a look on a series of photos, having no idea if how much she values the people in the photograph.

You sit beside a person whose writing her heart out, inside the bus, without knowing how badly she wants to keep it altogether.

What you see basically is not enough to conclude about what they’re going through.

There’s always a story behind everything…and everyone.

You don’t know what keeps them strong; what keeps them going.

But you carry on; they carry on.



A year after

catsThree hundred and sixty five days have gone before me.
Yet, I was not able to finish my cup of coffee
I am still hung up, I am still stuck
Since I was not able to grasp the unexpected things
That seems to come my way.
The last time I remembered I was just sitting, smoldering at our boarding house’s veranda,
Enjoying the leisure of time.
Appreciating the aesthetic beauty of every little piece of art I see around me.
Daydreaming of how the future will embrace me,
As well as the path I am soon going to take.
Will I write an unexpected plot for a movie? Will I write the news for the headlines?
Will I shot the best angle? Will I continue to love the streets and click a shutter?
Will I make my parents proud? Will I stay away from home and enjoy the independence of pursuing my dreams?
Amidst all those – thought bubbles burst in my face.
The next thing I know, I’m working my ass off, typing for a report due for a corporate company.
Anyway, I still did generate an unexpected plot,
But not for the movies,
Mostly not for the big screen.
Instead, it is an unexpected plot fated to be walked by me.
Oh well, the irony.
How did I end up like this?
Why was I not able to hold my ground?
Why was I not in the place where I thought I am supposed to belong?
Why is life harsh and cruel?
I was awakened.
So mad at the world for making me realize the hardships at an early age.
I am supposed to feel fun,
Life during 20’s is supposed to be rainbows and glitters.
But no, it is not.
In my case, it will not.
Three hundred and sixty five days from then,
I am full of pain.
One rotation of a heavenly body to the galaxy,
Turned my world upside down.
I am at the point where I can’t handle what life is firing me.
I think I’m going down.
And mind you, this is not an over exaggeration.
This is the reality.


J.Cstr//Photo grabbed from

Why “adulting” life is hard

_dsc0177I find myself funny for thinking that publishing an undergraduate thesis is the real deal this 2016.

Well, the joke is on me. Facing life after graduation is way more tears-and-sweat consuming than writing a hundred and more pages of an academic book. When you’ve reached your life’s turning point from studying to finding an occupation, that’s where “adulting” life comes in. Fresh grads like me would likely use this term when we refer to how hard our life after college could be.

For me, adulting starts when you search for a job to cater your lifestyle, getting a hold of your expenses because you don’t have the guts to ask money from your parents anymore, realizing how hard it is to get instant cash. This is where reality kicks in, and it hits a person real bad. I don’t know about you, but it did happen to me.

For the past few months of searching for my own path and discovering adulthood, “how to adult po?” is the most common question that I have in my mind and also for those of my age, I suppose.

In my case, I would instantly try to recall some of the helpful life hacks that were taught to me way back in school, but I can’t remember even a single thing.

There’s a list of reasons why “adulting” or this phase of adulthood is too difficult for me and that would be: leaving from a place you’ve been familiar for years and years already, adapting to a new environment and set of people, long distance relationship with friends and colleagues, choosing a somewhat opposite career path, conflict with parents and basically– life decisions. I guess holding back from what I have had and what I was before makes it harder for me to move forward.

These concerns made me cry my heart out, drink bottles of beer at high noon and midnight, traveled to search for life’s meaning.  I’m so clueless and unprepared. I’m not ready for this, but I don’t have a choice. It’s happening right now, at this moment, and I must overcome this by conditioning myself. I need to be tough and ready for what life may provide. For quite some time I’ve been lying on the bed so feeble until I finally thought of making an action to rectify the inevitable situation.

After months and months of questioning life’s reality, I came up with a conclusion. Maybe, I did not prepare myself well enough for this. Maybe, I lack adequate training. At least, I need to get up and face the truth that life brings me. I guess it’s just what I need to do.

The moment I realized I lost some of the pieces of my life, I tried to search for it. Puzzle by puzzle, I am starting to fill the blanks of my misery. I stopped overthinking. Avoided unnecessary drinking. Got rid of daydreaming. In short, I became more realistic. I accepted my fate and dealt with it. After all, I have new-found friends, a social life and a job that pays the rent.

When acceptance hit me, it was the time I felt at ease.



The Curse


I was his and he was mine,

the same love we felt,

the same love we shared.

Not so long after this black butterfly came,

casting a spell to anyone it passes by.

Along with it comes an imposition,

deceit and falsehood,

breaking the bonds we ever have.

Our love was not as strong as this spell,

this unsacred verb,

this undying curse.

It shatters everyone’s heart.

Like stepping on crystal glasses,

that were smashed into pieces.

I guess we’re not strong enough to defeat the curse.

Maybe we’re tied loosely.

Indeed, it was stronger than our love.

‘Cause when the curse stayed along with the darkness it possessed,

— our love didn’t.


“Where sex and violence are just a norm”


There is a realm where sex, violence, and everything else abhorrent is considered a norm. It’s named A Clockwork Orange. It is a film where deep social and psychological meanings were highlighted in each and every message. A viewer can deconstruct a lot of hidden representations established from the film, since the scenes from the film could, in actual fact; trigger whatever it is that a viewer could co-relate into. I, personally have lots of images to deconstruct from the film. Where to start?

In the opening scene, there was a group of men sitting inside a bar. Obviously, they were drinking nothing but milk. However, this scene implies a deeper picture—the milk symbolizes something. The milk could be associated to infantry. “Everyone at the Korova Milkbar drinks such beverage. Alex, (the main character) drinks milk with almost every meal. Yet, none of the adults seem to be drinking it. This could mean that the milk-drinking teenagers are bunch of babies. Here associated with the naïve and immature, milk is the substance for infants – unsophisticated and helpless” ( Moreover, there is a need for an infant to drink milk for they are incapable of eating or digesting a solid food at that certain moment of their life. Take note that in the film, Alex and the gang were drinking milk at the bar. This is where the concept of immaturity kicks in. “For the “modern youth” that nurse on the stuff laced with hallucinogens, the explanation is that they are young people who have chosen to add poison to their otherwise innocent slates, making them the evil youth that they are”  (

In addition, these men were drinking milk and “lady tables” are laid in front of them. These table-like objects were outlined from a female stature, bending in different positions, their body covered with nothing but hair wigs of different colors. In that scene, some of these men were resting their feet in the table while drinking their beverages. Not only that, if you take a look in the image of the whole bar, you can see lots of mannequin-like females that are being tied up, naked, and it seems like somebody is persecuting them.  Basically, by just seeing it, one could deconstruct that these image merely portrays the “dominance” of men to women; that women are principally just objects of desire, an object that could bring pleasure to the dominant form of being, the men.

“It communicates a simple factor in the Alex’s (main character) pathology and the pathology of his generation. Women are viewed as sex objects. Zooming out from a close up of Alex, we see two fibre-glass nude women sculpted and positioned as tables, upon which Alex has propped up his feet. Each figure has two wigs, one on the head and one on the pubic area. Zooming further out we find the Korova milk bar is full of these nude woman shaped tables.” (Ager, 2010)

Another thing, the film does not only possess sexual innuendos. It also depicts the concept of inhumanity—the concept of violence against not only one, but both sexes. Portrayals of human physical aggression were established, there are lots of fighting, fisting, killings as well as rape scenes found in several parts on the film. One might say that the concept of killings and rape and human sadism is mainstream, I would rather say yes. However, the manner of depicting violence in the clockwork orange film differs from other typical violent films. For an instance, let’s look at the rape scene consists with five guys inside the old theatre house. Brutality and sadism were established while these guys rip the woman’s cloth apart and forcedly drop her on the floor, wanting to penetrate on her. It is one very alarming scene because despite of the sadistic and cruel images, the music background incorporated in this scene was a very cheerful, lively, classical music.

“A Clockwork Orange challenges traditional ideas about music’s fundamental function, and here music taps into what is most dominant in Alex’s nature: violence.  Music connects to Alex’s drives and desires, and stripping him of his ability to enjoy it is equivalent to stripping him of his humanity.” ( “The Classical composers represent all that is ideal to and sacred for Alex, as these composers have created the highest and purest form of art, and therefore joy, for Alex. The fact that one or more of their compositions almost always accompanies Alex’s perpetrating a certain crime – which he often commits for sheer aesthetics or sensory bliss – also bodes well for our interpretation.”   What does the director want to imply by using Beethoven’s classical symphonies? What does the film want to imply when it used lively symphonies be integrated in a tragic picture? Maybe it just wants to depict what the character feels at the moment while doing violent actions. After all, sex in A Clockwork Orange is not an expression of love or intimacy, but rather an exhibition of power and violence.

Generally, sex and physical violence were mostly highlighted in the whole film. However, there are religious interpretations that a viewer can decipher from it as well. Consider this: a painting of a naked woman lying while opening her legs wide open is found in the wall of Alex’s room. Underneath this wall is a live snake, hissing while it is licking the said painting. Underneath this snake lies four statuette of Jesus, not nailed on the cross but wounded, and his private parts were totally exposed. The snake in the room could be implied as the “serpent,” which in more religious sense is associated with Satan. On the other hand, the woman is on top of the serpent but is literally connecting its tongue on the wall. By looking at this image, one could imply that the “serpent” is linked to be doing sinful, at some point, together with the woman. Finally, Jesus in the film being the object under all these other objects— might be ranked as less than those other objects.

In the end, there’s much to recognize in the composition of the film. The artwork expresses sexual desire, but it also strips desire of human intimacy and individuality. “Instead of sex and love cohabiting in representations of the human body, the body in art becomes simply a source of titillation.” The film presents a series of such images particularly in terms on the objectification of women. They are characterized as being less than human: they were represented as mannequins, cartoons, and paintings. The first images are those of the female mannequins in the Korova Milk Bar, set in their sexually provocative poses. Because they lack color and individual features, they suggest cold impersonality. Sexual images of women also hang on the walls of Alex’s parents’ home.

For the most part, these paintings are drab, like Alex’s parents, and resemble paintings one might purchase at a flea market. Their one striking feature is the women’s impressive cleavage. Like the mannequins, these images, too, are at once both sexual and impersonal. The paintings and sculpture in the cat lady’s home are modern and overtly sexual. Some are sadistic, with parts of the paintings depicting bondage and dismembered body parts. Like the cat lady herself, the paintings are bold and confrontational, but, like all the other artistic representations of the human body, they are also flat and impersonal.

All in all, the film could trigger much to the emotional and critical aspects of a viewer. It may affect them, and on how they treat sex and violence in real life. Looking through the whole film, there are countless of scenes and images which were figuratively and literally – portrayed the physical elements of men and women. Some of these images could be considered as a form of art, and some falls into the category of pornography, sex, or violence. It could generate a subconscious act to a certain individual being exposed on the said film. The more you get exposed in these scenes where violence and cruelty is highly prevalent, the more you tend to accept such contents. The more you get to normalize violence. Just so we know, all of these images possess sexual innuendos that awaken the viewer’s individual aspiration for art or rather, stimulate its sexual desires. You get your own choice. I made mine.


Not a very Foreign Education

Critique on: An Educated Citizenry is the Foundation of Democracy—American Contribution to Philippine Education

Throughout the years, the Philippines have been colonized and administrated by diverse countries and colonial government spreading new forms of information, techniques, ideals that affect our view of the world, or at least—in a specific societal or national issue. Looking back in the times of US occupation in the Philippines (1898-1946) — Education is one of the most important issues addressed by the said foreign government. It allowed the Americans to spread certain teachings which led them to pass on foreign cultural values, taught Filipino citizens how to speak English so that they, on their own convenience, could instruct Filipino people through a universal language to achieve what they want to aim—to teach Filipino people the value of national identity as well as provoke Filipino nationalism deep within the system.

One of the article related to the American contribution to Philippine Education entitled, “An Educated Citizenry is the Foundation of Democracy” recounted the many contributions of Americans to the progress of the country’s education. If the factual contents were to be studied by recognizing the insides of both the story and discourse in a narrative approach, new ideals may come up along the way, and such will happen by looking to an assessment from another individual’s point of view.

In the first paragraph, the said article pointed out a stand on the matter regarding democracy. Democracy in this part is further described by using another form of literary wording, so as to emphasize the very meaning of the said terminology by using the sentence, “government of the people, by the people, and for the people,.” (p.3) Also, by looking through the very sentence, the readers, especially the target reader know the aim of the article or what the contents be going to touch through, and obviously, it will tackle about how a specific group of people influenced the Filipino’s point of view regarding democracy.

On the other hand, there exist the “two conceptions of democracy, the classical and the contemporary and their implications for America’s public schools,” (Sleeter, 2008). “Since the U.S. is actively exporting its conception of democracy to the world, citizens in other nations might imagine that Americans would have a robust conception of what democracy is and are each totally involved in a government “…of the people, by the people, and for the people…” That is not the case according to voter turnout rates (United States Census Bureau, 2005) and the quality of civic knowledge of US public schools students (Nation’s Report Card: Civics 2006, 2007)” (Sleeter, 2008).

“How one views the extent to which U.S. political decision-making actually uses democratic processes and institutional structures depend on how one interprets the relationship between democracy, capitalism, and power. This is the essence of Sleeter’s concerns about America’s public schools in a corporatocracy which Perkins (2005) defines as U.S. government under global capitalism,” (Sleeter, 2008).

According to Sleeter’s 2008 essay, advocates of capitalism link the ideal of free enterprise with democratic freedoms, extolling the primacy of individualism, property rights, and personal responsibility. Critics of capitalism view concentrated wealth as leading to minority control of power, which undermines governance by the people. This creates a limited conception of democracy, leading people to equate it with the right to vote for representatives, which “tacitly has become capitulation to rule by an elite,” (Sleeter, 2008).

The next paragraph of the said article becomes more interesting to decipher. In the sentence that tackles about the arrival of American teachers in the country, the author used such metaphorical words to inculcate a notion to the mind of the readers. For an instance it was stated in the paragraph that American teachers were set out to perform an arduous task “armed with books, pencils, paper and slates, fired by the highest ideals and a genuine desire to help build a new nation across the seas.” (p.3)

While reading the said sentence, some readers might incorporate the intensity of the words such as “armed and fired” used in the sentence to an image of a gun, which indicates the life of the Filipino people, most especially those Filipinos who fight for the country during the period of war due to attempts in colonization from diverse countries. In this point, the article presents an impression that Americans did not arrive solely just to colonize the country but at the same time to introduce new information and deal with different life’s aspect that could of great help to the Filipino people—one of these aspect is in the form of education.

“Lay down your guns and pick up those texts” (p.4) is a very powerful sentence used by the Americans in terms of persuading the Filipino people to unite and support the cause which is to improve the education in the Philippine country. The sentence comes in a very undisruptive manner that when hearing this phrase, a Filipino individual can automatically sense what these American people strives to achieve. The sentence consists of nine words containing very harmless message directly tells the people that these American teachers, “come in peace.”

The other paragraphs in the article explained the journey of the foreign education advocates, which in the case of American teachers which were called Thomasites, as well as their personal journey in arriving to the very “land of the morning.” Stating varied reasons why they arrive in the country, these Thomasites are geared with the hope of the spirit of adventure which they think they could acquire by joining to the cause of spreading high quality education in the country even it doesn’t bring them much of the benefit.

One interesting information I personally get from the article is the fact that through the help of the Americans in building and inculcating the sense of nationalism and to have a dream of having an own state institution, the establishment of our country’s premiere University—the University of the Philippines was made possible. In this case, it is obvious that the medium (which is clearly the article,) directly affects how the reader perceives the content of the storyline.

Looking at each and every paragraphs, several ideals, signifiers, and interpretation can be seen, but to critic the whole article in general, there’s this high compliment on the terminologies used in inscribing the whole article. It supports what the message wants to achieve. The topic and the message tackled about are very relevant to each and every Filipino people and it creates knowledge due to giving out of details that is backed up by factual information at the same time.

A democratic school is one that above all, tries to enable “people to create their own world collectively rather than to fit into one that is created for them.” (Engel, 2008) High quality education is indeed a right. And as much as it concerns us, there is also a need to take a look back on what it is before and where it originally started. But quite frankly, thanks to the Americans.